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Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Memo to Scott Morrison: Sri Lanka for Dummies

Memo to Scott Morrison: Sri Lanka for Dummies

Memo to Scott Morrison: Sri Lanka for Dummies






Scott Morrisson chums up
with Sri Lankan Defence Secretary and alleged human rights violator
Gotabhaya Rajapaksa in Canberra. (Image via tamilfightback.com)


Friendly
advice to Scott Morrison, Minister for Immigration and Border
Protection on his trip to Sri Lanka from contributing editor-at-large,
Tess Lawrence.


BEAM ME UP SCOTTY, I've prepared a diplomatic aide-memoire on Sri Lanka for you to read on the plane today. Sort of 'Sri Lanka for Dummies'.


Here we go.


First up, don't forget that Sri Lanka's correct moniker is the Democratic Socialist Republic of Sri Lanka. Got that? The name covers all contingencies. Except one. It is run by an uncrowned monarchy.


Secondly, on no account get into any white vans. Especially if there is one waiting for you on the tarmac.


It's a bit of a fad by the government – called 'white vanning'. Sort of like planking or water boarding.


Next, everyone in Sri
Lanka has the same surname – Rajapaksa.  Including all the elephants in
and out of the room and all the leopards and the rest of the fauna and
flora. Remember that. It will come in very handy.


That includes the President and Cabinet Members, MPs  and big businesses. Think the Obeid clan.




Here's a list I prepared for you earlier.


POSL


President – Mahinda RAJAPAKSA


FOSL



First Lady — Shiranthi RAJAPAKSA nee WIKREMASINGHE (Miss Sri Lanka, 1973)


Speaker of the Parliament – Chamal RAJAPAKSA


Minister for Defence and Urban Development – Mahinda RAJAPAKSA


Secretary for Defence – Gotabaya RAJAPAKSA


Secretary for Urban Development – Gotabaya RAJAKPAKSA


Minister for Finance and Planning – Mahinda RAJAPAKSA


Private Secretary to the Minister for Finance and Planning – Shameendra RAJAKPAKSA


Minister for Ports and Highways – Mahinda RAJAPAKSA


Minister for Law and Order – Mahinda RAJAPAKSA


Deputy Minister for Water Supply and Drainage – Nirupama RAJAPAKSA


Minister for Economic Development – Basil RAJAPAKSA


Member of Parliament for Hambantota District – Namal RAJAPAKSA


Member of Parliament for Gampaha District – Basil RAJAPAKSA


Chief Minister of Uva Provincial Council – Shashindra RAJAKPAKSA


National Organiser of the Sir Lanka Freedom Party – Basil RAJAPAKSA


Chairman of Lanka Hospitals – Gotabaya RAJAKPAKSA


Carlton Sports Network TV Channel – owned by brothers Namal and Yoshitha RAJAPAKSA


Board of Sri Lankan Telecom PLC – Shameendra RAJAKPAKSA


Director of SLT Publications Pty Ltd  and SLT Hong Kong Ltd – Shameendra RAJAKPAKSA


Director of Sri Lankan Airlines Ltd – Shameendra RAJAKPAKSA




Okay, that's enough, you get the picture. It's getting late and I'm tired of typing the same name all the time.


And I haven't included
the appointments of wives, girlfriends, mistresses, boyfriends, lovers,
nieces, nephews, aunties, uncles, cousins, in-laws, outlaws, et al to Government and the Rajapaksa's dynastic business interests.


Anyhow, even if
Ministers do have another surname and even if Sri Lanka big business
CEOs are not called Rajapaksa, behind the scene, there is likely to be a
family member pulling the strings.


One more tip, make sure you don't let anyone else pack your suitcase on the way back. I'm not talking about any gifts
from the President, but those sneaky refugees will do anything to get
to Australia and you need to be on the lookout in case they hide one or
two of their kids in your suitcase.


And I'm not even going
to brief you on Sri Lanka's complicated caste system. All you need to
know, for the purposes of your visit, is that the Rajapaksas are right
up there.


Let me know if they like your pressies. Those old customs and border protection patrol vessels will come up a treat with a lick of paint.


After all, they're of no use to us. We've excised the whole of Oz from the migration zone. What a class Act.


Wouldn't it be a scream
if those refugees used the boats to flee to Australia? Thank goodness
they're not sea worthy. The boats I mean.


Bon Voyage Scotty.  Take some time out for yourself. Get away from High Court challenges and The Great Unwashed. 


You'll find the Rajapaksas are your sort of people.


Missing you already.


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